Immersive Experience: EMDR, Coaching, Therapy, Hypnosis
Interview Becca Voit
Audience? Trauma survivors and or sceptics of trauma treatment
Angle? Self healing?
Interview questions
What is the effectiveness of EMDR? How many sessions does it typically take to reprocess a traumatic event
How long have you practiced EMDR
Why did you choose to become trained in EMDR’
My Post Traumatic healing Journey
The world around me slowly faded away, I could hear the muffled voices of the world around me, I was trapped within a memory. A hand gripping my throat unable to escape the terror. This was a flashback
Introducing Myself
Have you ever experienced something traumatic and been deeply affected by it months or even years later.. Do you find yourself reliving the traumatic event or avoiding situations related to that event. You might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress disorder and not even realize it. Many people are under the false assumption that PTSD Can only occur in those who’ve experienced severely traumatic events such as war or enemy occupation. But it turns out that is not the case. Trauma is entirely subjective and some people are more prone to Post Traumatic stress than others. That is nothing to be ashamed of. You’re Not less than just because an event traumatized you and not someone else. In fact experiencing trauma can actually be beneficial and lead to post traumatic growth.
I am one of those unfortunate souls prone to trauma. I have a lengthy memory and my nervous system is highly sensitive to the world around me. Ever since I can remember, the world has felt far too much for me. Unable to drown out the chaotic nature of existence, I notice details that most do not. I can sense the pain of others and often feel powerless in its wake. The world itself is traumatizing. I was rejected for my sensitivity, made to feel too much, my care was a threat to those who did not possess such a deep sensitivity. So I learned to hide it. To abandon myself and those around me.
I have spent most of my life thinking negatively of myself. Due to this negative self-concept, I’ve pushed people away and isolated myself from the world. I developed hyper-independence at the cost of strong social bonds. I fundamentally lack the ability to trust that anyone I get close to will stay. This can cause me to cling to and idealize people who are also hyper-independent. I wrap all of my self worth in the idea of them. All the while pushing away the people who do care. Hoping I can get them to show up in the ways my parents never did. These people of course like myself lack the ability to fulfill that role in my life which is exactly why I cling to them. It’s sort of antithetical. I wither in the despair of my loneliness as I prolong its hold on me.
I have experienced a plethora of traumatic incidents within my life. These events have dramatically impacted the way I move about the world. While my outer independence masks most of my struggles, my internal world is one of chronic despair. I constantly think negative thoughts and every barrier life throws at me becomes a series of catastrophic events. No amount of achievement; however, seems to contradict my inner belief that I am fundamentally worthless. I feel the need to prove myself only then can i earn the right to self love
Trauma Therapy
I tend to intellectualize my problems. Believing that if I just do enough research or dive deep enough within myself then all my problems will simply dissipate. This however is contradictory in nature. My self awareness is merely another tool of self sabotage and judgment. It turns out the source of my healing is not through intellectual pursuit but through the development of healthy attachments and social bonds. One such attachment is my therapist. Becca. I’ve been seeing her every week for the last couple of months. I’ve made significant progress in at least opening up. I’ve been deeply conditioned for years not to trust that people will show up when I need them. Becca has given me a space to be honest and share my thoughts and to explore this field that I am so interested in. In my Previous attempts at therapy, I was reluctant in doing so. I was in denial that what I had suffered was enough to constitute a diagnosis of PTSD Complex or otherwise. I was resistant to forming real attachment to my therapists. Attachment always meant danger. It meant that I could be abandoned and in fact I had been by a few therapists due to circumstances outside either of our control. One therapist I simply stopped talking to and never told where I’d gone. I felt guilty but I was moving on.
Hypnosis/Coaching
Alongside my therapy sessions I have also been seeing a hypnosis life coach known as Kristen King. I was skeptical at first. Hypnosis and other spiritual gobedly gook is often used as a way to con the desperate. I suppose that’s what I was. Desperate, Despite my hesitance I grew to like Kristen. She was real and tangible. We were on the same level. It felt good to be able to talk to someone that was just as weird as I was. While nothing in our sessions could really be considered hypnosis, the coaching portion of her practice has been helpful thus far. She operates out of a small “Metaphysical” supply store in Leadville. I believe this building was once the town’s welcoming center. I’d passed by Iris Moon a few times wanting to go in but hesitant
I found out that the old iris moon building had been vandalized and thats why they relocated.. Not sure if i should include this detail or not?
due to my skepticism around the “Metaphysical” I’d followed Kristen on facebook as she often posts messages of support in the wake of the 2024 election. While a stranger, her posts resonated with me and I wondered what it would be like to stumble upon her in the open. One such opportunity presented itself. She announced that she was doing hypnosis sessions every Saturday. Despite my skepticism, something about Kristen’s energy drew me in. I walked into the shop surrounded by all kinds of crystals, rocks and other “Spiritual” objects. It smelled of incense. Most of the items seemed tacky to me. Nothing quite spoke to me. If the metaphysical is a tangible actual thing, then this capitalistic neutering was enough to turn me away. Nothing in here felt like it had been made with love, care, detail and culture. They lacked the spiritual properties such objects ought to have. Kristen comes out and calls me into her office. We pass under a curtain as she closes the door she turns on a white noise machine. She looks at me with awkward recognition. As if she’s not sure what to make of me. I found out during that session she recognized me from Facebook. I talked about what I had been dealing with. I had an unhealthy attachment to someone and a strong compulsion to text them impulsively. I tell Kristen of my skepticism around her “Hypnosis” she pretty much says she does a combination of hypnosis and coaching and that everything she does is scientifically based. She gets me to do a grounding exercise. She has me cross my arms and give myself a hug Allowing me to calm my nervous system and to get from myself what I crave from others. As I left I felt a surge of anxiety but not the bad kind. Something was different about me. I’d shared my inner feelings with a stranger and developed a mutual likedness with Kristen. I felt lighter somehow. I wish I could claim that this was all it took for me to heal my inner wounds. Clearly I wasn’t as worthless as I thought and my feelings may in fact be valid. But it takes more than a few positive experiences to wash away the stain of a lifetime of negative ones. When I am away from people I often forget the positive connection we had not in thought but in feeling. It’s like a fresh slate every interaction, a potential rejection in waiting. The healing journey is a long one not to be taken lightly or rushed to its wanted conclusion. We often want a quick fix in a world so used to instant stimulation. But the healing of trauma is not one that can be achieved so quickly
I continued to spiral over the lost potential of someone I had only dreamed of obtaining. She was a crowning jewel upon a mountain of every fear I had ever experienced. Could someone truly see me and not recoil in the aftermath of my brokenness. Could I ever be worthy of such a person? I just wanted confirmation that what I felt was not merely an amalgamation of my own feelings and delusions. But she could not give me that only breadcrumbs keeping me wanting more
As my emotional distress came and went I was haunted by memories of the past taken back to a time of powerless despair. The calm of the classroom became a warzone filled with memories of the past. I could not concentrate nor feel safe or to trust, This has happened several times since the start of the semester. School was always a safe haven for me. I enjoyed the pursuit of knowledge and the comfort of others. I was confronting my past head on. Challenging my perceived notions and maybe even confirming others. I see and feel judgement from others. I am not a typical person. But are they merely reacting to me? Is it something within my behavior, my lack of engagement that causes some to judge. Or simply a misreading of their body language. trauma has a way of making you second guess every glance, every silence, every moment of connection as if it’s a matter of life and death.
Practicing Bilateral Stimulation
Weeks go by and I find myself once again sitting across from Kristen. She asks how I’ve been since our last conversation. I Had taken steps to improve my diet and exercise during the spring. I was happy to report that this trend had continued even despite my busy schedule. Ever since I can remember I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. Where you see me binging an uncomfortable or stressful situation is likely the culprit. I found a refuge in the numbing effects of the binge. It’s a relief unlike any other one that ultimately ends in negative outcomes. High amounts of processed or sugary foods increase your blood sugar and thus deregulate mood. It was all interconnected. She had asked me if I was a healthier person, what would that look like? Who would I be and what would I be doing now? I answered diet and exercise. To achieve a goal one must not view it as unattainable but rather already obtained. What if I was the kind of person to take control of my health. So that’s what I did. I started intermittent fasting and walking at least 5 miles a day. This however would not be the first time I had done this. I once stuck to this habit for over a year at one point and I shredded over 60 pounds. I was healthier but I did not see myself that way. All I could see was the never ending goal of losing more and more and more weight. Eventually I reached a level of stress and traumatic incidents where I could no longer keep up with this impossible actualization. Thus I gained every single one of those lost pounds again. Experts will say that this is merely the course for any diet and perhaps they are right. Maybe at the end of this is another repeat of the past. This is the conflict of self help and trauma, a need for control, a battle of health and restriction. In the untraumatized the goal of health is an admirable one. But in the traumatized it can also be another tool of self destruction and harm reinforcing even more impossible standards to meet
I opened up the session with this positive news. I’d been able to stick to such a restrictive diet for so long I changed my behaviors just as she had suggested.. This was good news right? Well I still felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I was still eating too many carbs. Still not losing enough weight. Still not able to do anything other than walking. If I truly wanted to be the person on the other side who took fitness seriously then I should be in the gym strength training and taking supplements and avoiding processed food entirely. But that was far too much change to be realistic. I did what I could with the tools I had at my disposal. Kristen warned me that if i pushed myself too hard then i could actually send my body in a state of self destruction to the point i’d actually gain rather than lose weight and that i should find a healthy balance. As the conversation continues she asks what it is I want to tackle this week. So I tell her of my emotional flashbacks and inability to escape my past. That’s when she tells me of a technique known as Bilateral stimulation. If you’re able to stimulate two sides of the body through movement this will activate both sides of the brain allowing for a processing of negative emotions and traumatic memory. She had me bring up the worst feeling I could think of. I pulled out my phone and read my goodbye message. I had removed that person from my phone and decided I could no longer stretch myself hoping for something that would never happen. I felt grief. As she had me do bilateral stimulation this feeling almost immediately dissipated. It worked and I wasn’t stuck with this negative feeling forever. Kristen then asked me if I’d heard of EMDR which is a therapeutic technique that utilizes Bilateral stimulation. EMDR Was something that had come up in my previous research, a technique that seemed too good to be true but one that I was fascinated by. Kristen tells me that id likely be a good candidate for such a technique
What Is EMDR?
Starting my Process
As I headed to the office I was deep in thought. My mind spiraling thinking of a lost connection. The air was cold but I could not feel it. As I got to Becca’s office I noticed her light was off.. Perhaps she was running behind. So I sat in the waiting area and drew on my hands. She showed up a few minutes later and asked if I’d gotten her message.. I hadn’t gotten any such message but I nodded in agreement. She greeted me like she usually did with a smile on her face. She sat down and asked me how I’d been. I had mentioned how I’d been seeing Kristen and how she taught me about bilateral stimulation. This caused Becca to pause and explain to me the ethical problems with Kristen pretty much practicing therapy and how it could interrupt my healing process if not handled delicately especially with EMDR. Which I guess makes sense. Two different people with completely different backgrounds could send me in all kinds of different directions. So I gave her my consent to share things with Kristen. I brought up how the current political climate was negatively affecting me. This was a highly sensitive topic for me and she recommended that I seek out other like minded people to discuss these issues with and even recommended I join in some political activism. I started using the bilateral stimulation Kristen had taught me in order to ground myself in the moment. Becca then pulled out a questionnaire on her computer and asked me a series of questions relating to dissociation to assess whether or not I’d be ready for emdr. A few questions in i was asked if I had problems remembering key events in my life. I paused and said I felt like this was assessing for DID of which I was certain I did not have. But she said it may seem similar but it was not to assess DID just dissociation. So I said I do have difficulties remembering my childhood but that it’s likely a symptom of trauma. She seemed slightly frustrated and she said I was likely overthinking the questions. I felt a slight sinking feeling. I know she didn’t mean to and all humans experience brief moments of frustration but no matter how insignificant, I felt it. A few of the questions related to memory I said yes but then clarified it was likely due to my adhd. She explained to me that she will have me clarify more in the next session and that it’s common for people with adhd to score higher on this assessment. In regards to doing EMDR for my immersive experience she tells me that EMDR is a pretty lengthy process and that I likely wouldn’t have enough time to do my immersive experience on EMDR. While disappointed I felt like I learned a lot from Becca and I’m looking forward and feeling a bit nervous in experiencing the transformative nature of this kind of modality. In the past she told me that due to my complex trauma that id likely need several sessions to tackle each little string of traumatic incidence and that eventually overtime that even if i wasn’t able to fully process every traumatic memory that each one i processed would gradually lessen the intensity of all rest
- Less Detail for this part of the paper
- Lead into a hopeful conclusion of expectations for EMDR And trauma recovery
My future hopes for EMDR?
Interview… – Missing
Dialogue naturally comes from this –